finally, i woke up

from BLog ni Ley
finally, i woke up
Thursday July 12th 2007, 10:34 am

six months ago, i never thought that i would fall into a deep sleep. this sleep made me dream a very long dream that seemed so endless. so endless that i don’t know when i would finally wake up, or ever thought of it even. it was totally a pleasant dream, but there were times when it almost became a nightmare. those were the times when i really wanna wake up but i couldn’t because i felt there’s something holding me back. maybe the thought of the happy moments in the dream (there were even blissful moments) made me hope for more of it, and so it held me back.

i was so trapped in that dream but suddenly, thank God, i woke up. i thought I’m gonna regret falling asleep but i didn’t. i don’t regret dreaming at all. i don’t regret having those experiences for the first time, of meeting him, though it was just a dream, it felt so real. and every action, reaction, words, feelings, emotions, practically everything i put in are real. they were real. and i did hope everything i was getting were real too. i wasn’t sure then but i think i did get them somehow.

and now that I’m awake, I’m still afraid to open my eyes. i could feel the shafts of lights trying to get through the thin cover of my eyes but I’m still afraid they would hurt my eyes so I’m keeping my eyes closed. it may take me days, or weeks, or months to open these eyes but at least now, I’m out of the dream. i floated and sunk in that dream, i dunno if that will happen in real life too. i wanted to see that myself so i hope i can open my eyes very soon.

meanwhile, i will try to adapt to the real world, though gradual as i can afford. i’ll stop trying, i’ll start doing things. yes, i’m still afraid to grow up. but i cant always be childish. i’m not peter pan. i cant stay out of reality forever. although i could still dream, but this time, i will try to wake up when i needed to. there are real people around me who accept me the way i am, and who had been there and are always there ready to help me out on this long journey. and i usually ignore them. i guess it’s time for me to return some favors.

I’m not sure of the destination of this journey but at least i now know where i wanted to go. i always wanted to end up there so i do pray that i wont go astray again. i also pray that on my way there, i would leave pleasant marks. i used to be so afraid of leaving unpleasant marks, but i always do. now, though i so wanted to erase those marks, i know i couldn’t. the only thing i can do is to continue walking. there were times when we wish for a fresh start. but that’s another illusion. i always love saying "i want to start anew" to myself but i always end up nowhere. so this time, I’m gonna continue walking. but I’m gonna make sure I’m gonna leave pleasant marks on my way to where I’m headed. i said previously that i wouldn’t look back but i think it’s healthy to look back once in a while and see how much you progressed. but i would look ahead more this time. that is if I’m able to open my eyes soon enough.