crossroads

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
crossroads
May 3, '10 11:46 PM

an endless

quest to find

the essence

behind

this life

options seemed

far too wide

or i must be blind

last post wins

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
last post wins
Feb 10, '10 5:39 PM

let your eye scream

loud enough to burst your spleen

make your nose weep

a thousand tears

shut your ears

and let your mouth keep

all the secrets

that you regret

fire

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
fire
Feb 7, '10 4:18 PM

my phoenix waits impatiently to get out its cage.

it's been howling like a hungry mad dog,

and shrieking like a burning child.


it only strikes where there's but darkness.


pungent thoughts hover,

all covered with jealousy,

spreading the wings of my phoenix

inside its narrow cage.


savor the pleasure of its rage.

carefully listen to its roar.


for when i release it, you will realize

that it brings no harm but only ecstasy

to barren, dull people like you.

do you remember? because i tried hard not to

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
do you remember? because i tried hard not to
Aug 16, '09 10:44 AM

it was pouring real hard,
at some point that midnight,
a thunder woke me up.

i heard a whimper
so i stood up
to find the source
of that silent noise.

the lightning illuminated
the scene i now so hated.
had i stayed in bed,
my innocent eyes would've stayed untainted.

your feet,
on the couch deeply burried,
your knees,
bent and shaky,
your shoulders,
pressed hard to the windows behind you,
your neck,
stretched and still
as HIS left hand strangled you
while HIS right hand aimed a kitchen knife at you.

as HE started pushing the knife,
i screamed.
both of you were startled.

without delay i ran
away from the scene
away from you
and away from HIM

yesterday

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
yesterday
Jun 8, '09 8:17 AM

anger

was

almost

synonymous with fear.

in oblivion,

i was lost.

.

hope soared

high up the red sky.

my soul

lamented that evening,

sucking the mild punches

of the crippling cold wind

as the last star

disappeared from the horizon.

.

i closed

my eyes as

the last pill

slid

down my throat.

.

i waited.

.

it took a while

for the pangs of death to kick in.

finally, game over.

shame on me

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
shame on me
Mar 16, '09 11:06 PM

it's like dying a thousand deaths--

letting go of something precious,

something new that has just become part of me.



it's like having both my legs amputated,

that i couldn't help but beg

and pray that He would sprinkle a little miracle.



it's like a little girl having her only doll stolen,

like a chain smoker forever losing his lighter,

like a bee lost in a flowerless desert,

like a beggar tossing away his last coin,

and the list could go on.



they could not capture though

how painful it is for me to let go

of my precious find.

it's more potent than the priest's wine,

sweeter than the sweetest dessert i've ever tasted,

more addictive than a morphine.



yes, you have become my latest addiction,

my favorite mistake,

my choice of sin,

and we've only just begun

to find you too soon gone.



but if it's the right thing to do,

i should have to let go of you

even if it takes a lifetime to get over you.

My First Rose

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
My First Rose
Mar 8, '09 6:04 AM

i was checking my old email account when i chanced upon an old email sent to me by a friend way back in 2001. it's a free verse and i really like it. dunno who wrote it though.

***** MY FIRST ROSE *****
>
>
>The sunlight shone with suspended dust
>particles
>as it illuminated my
>skin.
>I watched in awe, as a leaf cascaded from a
>branch and executed,
>gracefully,
>a lovemaking dance with it before it
>finally
>kissed the supple cheeks of
>the earth.
>A hidden chirp was chirping a song from
>among
>the arms of a nearby tree.
>Unlike Josh, I need not understand it to
>appreciate it.
>I stood up and brushed short blades of
>grass off
>my jeans. Stuffing my
>cold
>hands in my jeans pocket, I took steps,
>moving
>to the motion of leaving.
>"Kathy", I heard him whisper. I knew he was
>there. I saw him come in the
>iron gates. But I never expected him to
>call me
>as if he wanted to have
>anything to do with me again.
>We spent quiet mornings together, shared
>warm
>laughter. Built
>sandcastles.
>Embraced our dreams.
>That was way back. When he was still my
>best
>friend. It was my fault, I
>guess. Eventually, what started out as
>friendship turned into something
>deeper for me. I felt more for Josh, and
>because
>of such, I wanted more
>from
>him. I clung onto him as if he was a
>long-lost
>teddy bear. Josh is a man
>like no other. He sensed what was going on
>inside of me...
>One morning, I woke up to find him turning
>his
>back, perhaps not on our
>friendship, but to that thing I wanted to
>become
>of us.
>As we went on about our own ways, I watched
>him
>go on wonderfully
>without
>me, and with that, I watched myself as my
>life
>fell apart without him.
>He never noticed me. Not since then. And I
>am so
>taken aback now that
>he's
>here. His eyes were sad as he walked
>towards me,
>but I could breathe in
>overwhelming calmness from it. He took a
>few
>more heartbeats before he
>stopped just a breath from me, as if
>measuring
>his steps unsurely.
>He looked at me the way I always wanted him
>to,
>for the very first time
>in
>my life. His eyes were casting heavy
>glances on
>my every fiber, saying
>things I've always imagined him say in my
>dreams.
>I smiled. Silently thanking him for coming.
>Meekly stretching out an
>arm,
>holding open for him to touch. But I
>hesitated,
>and stuffed my hands
>back
>in
>my jeans pocket. Foolish me.
>He smiled back, such sweet smile was the
>only
>hint of color on his face.
>He breathed in so heavenly, seeming to
>catch my
>scent with his sense to
>keep
>it within him to remember.
>Closing his eyes, a furrow finding its path
>on
>his brows, he pulled out,
>from behind him, a single white rose.
>For me?
>Are you sure? I wanted to ask him.
>All my days and nights I stared at him like
>he
>was a lost star. Every
>single
>heartbeat, I spent nurturing my seemingly
>pointless endearment of him.
>My
>diary is still stained with every tear I've
>shed
>for this man.
>Now he's here. Holding out a single white
>rose.
>For me?
>For me.
>A tear warmed my face as the cold wind
>lapped on
>my skin.
>Lifting the flower to his lips, he gave a
>soul
>with his kiss.
>"I wish you all the sweet things you
>deserve",
>he said gently, almost
>whispering, lowering the flower on the
>softness
>of the grass.
>As he knelt on the ground above me, he
>never
>noticed me. Not till then.
>And
>I am so taken aback, that among the stones
>within this quiet green, he
>walked over and recognized me, after so
>long.
>And he came over to give
>me
>something I never had when I was living.
>As I felt myself ascend to the sky, the
>wind is
>cradling me in its soft
>arms, I watched Josh from above.
>I saw the tears escape his eyes before he
>even
>caught his face with his
>hands.
>I saw him break down, the way I did the day
>he
>left me. Now I'm leaving
>him,
>and I guess he finally learned how it hurts
>to
>lose one's best friend.
>I saw his shoulders heave with mourning as
>he
>traced a finger on my
>flower.
>The flower carries with me through this
>unfamiliar journey.
>I lived my life loving Josh.
>I lived my life unloved.
>But it's like being reborn.
>When he came forth today.
>It's sad it had to take my death for Josh
>to
>come back.
>it's sad it had to take my death for him to
>give
>me a single white rose.
> My first Rose....

KSP

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
KSP
Nov 22, '08 3:09 AM

how many times did i long for your hug
i could not remember a single time you hugged me
its always i who would hug you first

how many times did i imagine you are home
cooking dinner, tidying things up, waiting for us to arrive
but it's always an empty home.

how many times should i envy my friends
for having mums around whenever they needed them
even at times they don't

how many times should i wonder
if you ever thought of me when you're busy at work
if you ever missed me like other mums miss their children

how can you be so cold to me?
is it because the reason why you didn't reach
the dream you once had is because you accidentally had me?

trip or trip?

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
trip or trip?
Oct 31, '08 11:47 PM

feel the pokeholes as you pass

the road so rough. notice how

the panorama captures

your hazy sight as you take

deep breaths of fascination.

sonnet 1

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
sonnet 1
Oct 29, '08 10:20 AM

since shakespeare says it better, i wont write another

From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.

finger exercise

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
finger exercise
Oct 26, '08 1:48 PM

letting my heart feel the warmth of each note

and eyes see the colors amidst darkness,

i let my fingers linger on each stroke

allowing them to tremble in numbness


while ears enjoy the harmonious moan

of vibrating melodies spiraling

the cool morning air. each time i press on

the long hard keys, my heart would start beating


so fast my blood would rush to my head and

my body would deliriously shake

to the wondrous feeling on each bend

of piano strings as the music transcends.

cravings

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
cravings
Oct 25, '08 8:08 PM

swim in jealousy until you drown. fool
yourself more with sweet lies. get blinded by
his charming moves so disarming you'd drool
like a mad dog fancying a bone. then sigh
for longing kisses of darkness. deny
him the sight of thine spotless sheet. no cry
would release the agony trapped inside.
unable to bear what you try to hide.

sonnet 116

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
sonnet 116
Oct 24, '08 3:53 AM

never thought that i've read shakespeares long before reading the midsummer night's dream. (most probably i forgot again!) when i chanced upon the sonnet 116, my Language Arts class in high school came back to me (we have discussed that poem in LA level 6,7 or 8 for i think a whole straight week! teacher oline was so patient with us then) my oh my, lovefool sigh. ;P

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

amuse me

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
amuse me
Oct 23, '08 11:32 PM

why should a poet need a muse to write
a sonnet so sweet that would entice the world
to read the written pages intended
not only for them to read but to embrace?

can't he just write without thinking so much
about metre, rhyme and style that only
box his creativity and poetry?

if i were to write a poem, i would want
her to sprout from my soul and then breathe
her immortality to meet more souls.

but why that need for a muse always knock
when the paper is ready to be marked?
what if the poet found no muse at all?
would that be an excuse to not write a
good poem that would capture another soul?

amuse me with your sweet nothings my muse.
i found you at the most unexpected
time and place i could ever imagine.
you just didn't know how much the pain you
caused me made me suffer and move my pen.

as if i were possessed, my jealousy
helped me pour out verses i've been keeping.
i might sound masochistic, but the more
you hurt me, the more i find the right words
to fill this blank versed sonnet i intend
to dedicate to you, oh, darling muse.

upon dreaming a midsummer night's scream

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
upon dreaming a midsummer night's scream
Oct 23, '08 1:57 PM

eyne no longer sphery,
she never so weary
until that very evening.
nay, she was only dreaming.

what a dream was here! -- exclaimed she.
look how she did quake with much fear!
was the dream so terrible
that it brought her to tremble?

early on, i did hear her squeal
as i tried to steal Shakespeare's quill.
i thought she saw my crime!
just when i thought it's time

to throw myself out my window,
appeared to me a tall shadow.
though it did not scare me at all,
still i hid behind a bleak wall.

then i heard a female voice beg.
through wall's chink, i saw a figure
appeared, a man of great stature.
she's on her knees, clutching his leg,

as with so much love she uttered
the lines could've only mustered,
"I'll follow thee, and make a heaven of hell,*
To die upon the hand I love so well." *

tears began to fill up mine eyne
as they meet the glowing crescent,
the only thing pleasant that night
that brought me a little delight.

then i thought of the drying ink.
should've not worn a gown so pink
laced with thorns pressed hard on my skin.
stood frozen like a mannequin

as a vision came upon me.
thence the air was very steamy.
i could see your face through the steam.
quite enchanted, i had to scream.

i crushed the quill i was holding.
forgot why i started writing
in couplets when it should be in sonnets
that i should write to let myself forget.


* lines borrowed from shakespeare ;P

looking up again

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
looking up again
Oct 16, '08 3:30 PM

this world is a huge classroom.

you might top the class

without learning anything.

you might flunk the exams

yet know everything.

but the most important thing is

to not lose the appetite in learning

despite all the impediments that keep on coming.

bring it on

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
bring it on
Oct 8, '08 3:21 PM

avoid me

ignore me

forget it

or better yet

just disappear

rain, rain, go away. never come back any day. Leiballet wants to play

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
rain, rain, go away. never come back any day. Leiballet wants to play
Oct 7, '08 2:40 PM

pull that kleenex out
wipe those tears
crumple the kleenex
trash it

smile
the rain will go away

yet another dream

from Blog ni Ley
yet another dream
Sunday October 05th 2008, 9:01 pm

last night you were in my dreams
wish i can tell you this
i can see you online as i’m writing
this is the second one
or maybe the third

the first one was that chasing game
i think i blogged about sometime ago
where you caught me
after your mom pointed me to you

this time, we’re together
then you left me alone with your brother
he tried to get to know me better
asking me questions
trying to gauge how much i know you

then your parents appeared
your mom and dad
i wasn’t sure if they were pleased
by the things they saw i did

i heard some strides
as the moment of truth arrived
surrounded by your family
how i wished i could flee
until you sat beside me

kleenex

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
kleenex
Oct 5, '08 2:58 PM

take one out

use it

throw it

that's the cycle.

but why can't i

trash this one i'm holding?

maybe because

it's not a kleenex after-all

bursting

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
bursting
Oct 4, '08 2:39 PM

take it easy

lay down

take a deep breath

sit up

sip your tea

drown your head

stop thinking!

red and blue

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
red and blue
Sep 27, '08 6:37 AM

a puddle of blood

where i stood

heart pounding

mind's aching

couldn't decide

if i'll let you in

maybe i'd know the answer

when it stop bleeding

smeared make-ups

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
smeared make-ups
Sep 27, '08 3:35 AM

my face is still damp with tears

spoke with her

this time without too much arguing

just humbling myself

admitting that i screwed up

asking for yet another chance

and sharing some plans

i made her cry again

but this time with joy

cos she finally heard

what she's been longing to hear

an "i miss you, ma"

from a bitter daughter

how i want to kill him, i knew not of. i don’t want to see him even in hell!

from Blog ni Ley
how i want to kill him, i knew not of. i don’t want to see him even in hell!
Monday August 18th 2008, 12:24 pm

You do not do, you do not do

Any more, black shoe

In which I have lived like a foot

For thirty years, poor and white,

Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.


Daddy, I have had to kill you.

You died before I had time--

Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,

Ghastly statue with one gray toe

Big as a Frisco seal


And a head in the freakish Atlantic

Where it pours bean green over blue

In the waters off beautiful Nauset.

I used to pray to recover you.

Ach, du.


In the German tongue, in the Polish town

Scraped flat by the roller

Of wars, wars, wars.

But the name of the town is common.

My Polack friend


Says there are a dozen or two.

So I never could tell where you

Put your foot, your root,

I never could talk to you.

The tongue stuck in my jaw.


It stuck in a barb wire snare.

Ich, ich, ich, ich,

I could hardly speak.

I thought every German was you.

And the language obscene


An engine, an engine

Chuffing me off like a Jew.

A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.

I began to talk like a Jew.

I think I may well be a Jew.


The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna

Are not very pure or true.

With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck

And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack

I may be a bit of a Jew.


I have always been scared of you,

With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.

And your neat mustache

And your Aryan eye, bright blue.

Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You--


Not God but a swastika

So black no sky could squeak through.

Every woman adores a Fascist,

The boot in the face, the brute

Brute heart of a brute like you.


You stand at the blackboard, daddy,

In the picture I have of you,

A cleft in your chin instead of your foot

But no less a devil for that, no not

Any less the black man who


Bit my pretty red heart in two.

I was ten when they buried you.

At twenty I tried to die

And get back, back, back to you.

I thought even the bones would do.


But they pulled me out of the sack,

And they stuck me together with glue.

And then I knew what to do.

I made a model of you,

A man in black with a Meinkampf look


And a love of the rack and the screw.

And I said I do, I do.

So daddy, I'm finally through.

The black telephone's off at the root,

The voices just can't worm through.


If I've killed one man, I've killed two--

The vampire who said he was you

And drank my blood for a year,

Seven years, if you want to know.

Daddy, you can lie back now.


There's a stake in your fat black heart

And the villagers never liked you.

They are dancing and stamping on you.

They always knew it was you.

Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.


-Daddy, Sylvia Plath, 12 October 1962

just across the movie house

from Blog ni Ley
just across the movie house
Monday August 11th 2008, 4:10 am

(boredom is indeed the mother of all scribblings)

a throng of moviegoers drowned the few passing yellow cabs
no cheesy moon above the gray horizon
the drizzles formed puddles of water on the sidewalk
trampled upon by filthy boots
splashing muddy water on her not-so-yellow coat.

she wasn’t exactly gloomy
must be a bit sad (or mad?)
why too soon the movie ended
when her date finally turned up?

stunned when he saw her drawing near him
he thought the crowd would at least conceal him
alas he gasped
he just couldn’t leave his job
to meet her up earlier this evening.

but then the man beside him squirmed
as he heard him tell lame tales
it wasn’t exactly guilt
for his eyes couldn’t hide the bliss in his heart
as he recalls snuggling with him early tonight
two rows behind the reserved seats of the gloomy lady
who wasn’t really gloomy
just worried
as she had been glancing upon her watch
and at the seat next to her that remained empty
wondering where her husband could be
for she knew how badly he wanted to see
this infamous movie called Infidelity.

halted

from Blog ni Ley
halted
Saturday July 26th 2008, 8:17 pm

time seemed to stand still

didn’t notice it flew so fast

still thinking for the next step

when the allotted time ended

tears wanted to escape

from these angry eyes

it can no longer look

at the demise

can anybody slap me on the face?

or better yet

let me be

that’s how it’s supposed to be

estranged from reality

Poema da buceta cabeluda

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
Poema da buceta cabeluda
Jul 25, '08 1:16 AM

i have this portuguese friend who used to read me portuguese poems. here's one of his favorites. oh i miss listening to one.

Poema da buceta cabeluda

A buceta da minha amada
tem pêlos barrocos,
lúdicos, profanos.
É faminta
como o polígono-das-secas
e cheia de ritmos
como o recôncavo-baiano.

A buceta da minha amada
é cabeluda
como um tapete persa.
É um buraco-negro
bem no meio do púbis
do Universo.

A buceta da minha amada
é cabeluda,
misteriosa, sonâmbula.
É bela como uma letra grega:
é o alfa-e-ômega dos meus segredos,
é um delta ardente sob os meus dedos
e na minha língua
é lambda.

A buceta da minha amada
é um tesouro
é o Tosão de Ouro
é um tesão.
É cabeluda, e cabe, linda,
em minha mão.

A buceta da minha amada
me aperta dentro, de um tal jeito
que quase me morde;
e só não é mais cabeluda
do que as coisas que ela geme
quando a gente fode.

- Bráulio Tavares

a sigh

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
a sigh
Jul 2, '08 7:56 AM

it's so easy

for you

to say

i love

you.

do you ever

mean it

or is it merely

an expression?

i bet

several ears

already heard

the same phrase.

but how

can i erase

these sweet

yet made up

words

that kept

repeating

inside my

achy head.

flip flops

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
flip flops
Jun 19, '08 7:45 AM

june is (normally) a rainy month in the country. always bring an umbrella just in case the clouds decide to let a downpour. waterproof your stuff (i.e. a bag that contains paper stuff) so you wont regret that you get caught in the rain.

my love-hate relationship with the rainy season dates back to grade school. i'm always geared up from head to toe just so i wont get wet. but somehow, the water manages to get in :( how i hate it when my uniform, hair and socks got so damp! imagine how awesome a day could be when you are in a public place and there's no way to dry a damp socks, either you let your feet soak or let your feet soak o_O. why do the classes here starts in june? why don't they delay it until the rainy days are over? (well, that will make the school days shorter for it rains half a year, yay!)

i'm not saying that i awfully hate the rain. i love it when it rains and i have nothing to do except cuddle up under my sheets. i love to sleep when there's a heavy downpour. but if i needed to be somewhere out and the rain suddenly pour, and i cant wear anything but flip flops, that's definitely a big pffft.

it rained today, and yes, it was slippery outside so i chose the flip flop that wouldnt slip on wet floors. i needed to deposit something to the bank and so was in a hurry to catch it open. i walked a bit briskly and to my surprise, the flip flop that i was wearing really did not slip on the wet ground. only that it got stuck on the slanting sidewalk as i hurried my way up the bank. it got so stuck that when i tried to pull my right foot up, the strap came off. luckily, the other pair didnt stick on the ground. imagine how embarrassing and exasperating that moment was. i was dragging my right foot as i walked while i was trying hard to hold the umbrella still for the wind blew a bit hard as it drizzled. and then when i found a spot (which wasnt really a private one), i tried fixing the thongs and got my hand quite unclean. sigh, lesson learned: before going out in the rain, make sure that your flip flops wont flop, that is to check whether it would slip or stick.

how would you eat an ice cream on the cone at a public place?

how would you eat an ice cream on the cone at a public place?
Jun 17, '08 9:55 AM

low on sugar because i skipped my breakfast today, i was a bit groggy ascending the main library's six flights of stairs. i didn't have lunch as well. upon reaching my beloved college, i had a hard time catching my breath. only my anxiety sustained me on the dreary climb.

sweats formed on my forehead as i sat on one of the wooden chairs of the long table in the middle of the faculty room. i waited patiently for my turn. when it came, i tried hard to flash a very sweet smile, making the college secretary smile back sweetly at me. after the Q&A portion, we finally came to an agreement, she would endorse my letter to the vice chancellor since i promised to finish my thesis in one semester. (hurrah! but not yet because there is no assurance that the higher beings would extend my residency. nevertheless, i'm very happy ^^)

the excitement made me flew down the dreaded flights of stairs, as if i had wings. i was so happy, i kept on smiling to the world without realizing the stares i got from the students inside the building (even manong guard reacted like "ugh!"). i glanced up the grey sky when i got out the main lib and silently said "thank God". my fate has been passed on to the hands of the higher beings (i.e. the vice chancellor for academic affairs). despite my pending fate, i already felt like i won the lotto jackpot. upon reaching the bottom of the main lib steps (yes, another flight of stairs), i started feeling drained and exhausted. it was a long day. i suddenly realized it was hot despite the clouds above. it rained a little in the morning but this afternoon, the sun somehow showed up a little, even for a while. it was when i realized that i was indeed famished.

the long island (a kiosk near the main library where i usually eat pasta and ice cream whenever i'm in the uni) seemed to be the perfect place to ease my pang of hunger. but because the place was already droned by other hungry students, i opted to just order a pistachio ice cream to go. they might not have the creamiest ice cream that i've ever tasted but at least their two scoops of pistachio ice cream has loads of real pistachio in it. that is the reason why i order the same flavor every time i eat at long island (uhm, the kiosk). when asked if i want it on a cone or in a cap, i chose the former. how i always love sugar cones.

it started to drizzle as i walked away from the kiosk. i was so famished i wanted to devour the whole ice cream. but i was walking along the sidewalk of the acad oval and it was just around three in the afternoon so there were still a lot of people around. now, how am i supposed to eat the ice cream without showing my delirious desire to swallow it whole? suppose i'd lick it, would it hide my cruel intention to the ice cream? but i can't lick an ice cream when there are other people around. i don't know why but i'd rather bite (yes bite) the ice cream with my lips than lick it in front of other people.

the ice cream started to drip on my hand so i finally tried to lick it. it was so quick that my tongue barely touched the melting part of the ice cream. i was too paranoid to think that all the people around me were watching me eat my ice cream. with a sudden hit of vertigo, i finally decided to actually eat the ice cream, my ice cream, setting aside my paranoia. how i ate it? may i scream?!

p.s.
what's more important is that it made me sugar high ^^

morning sunshine, wakie wakie

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
morning sunshine, wakie wakie
Jun 14, '08 4:05 PM

after weeks of another hibernation, i again am up and ready to face the challenges that may come my way. thanks to those who were there boosting my ever waning ego during my lowest days. i was almost decided on ending everything, but then again, i realized that i don't have any right to do so. when a saw a little thread of hope hanging just above my nose, i was reluctant to grab it because i can't find any reason to. but then i grabbed it anyway.

so i started going out lately. like a toddler on his first day on the nursery school, i crawled my way out into the unknown realm. seeing familiar faces and places erased some of the fears. an old classmate asked me 'ba't hindi ka na nagsusulat ng blog?' when i bumped into her while i was fixing my late enrollment this week. she was referring to my friendster blog because i used to write there quite regularly. (i also copy/paste some of my blogs from here to my friendster blog when i run out of time to write.) i never thought people do read my blog too. i only write when i feel like writing. most of the things that i blog (or i want to blog) are those that would inspire other people but lately i have been writing complaints so i stopped writing online and put all my angst on paper. i have been keeping a loose paper diary where i only write on when im so heightened by an intense emotion (either im so down or im so happy) and there is nobody to speak with. so most of the entries are months apart.

now that im back, i'll try to blog as often as i could. i just hope that my residency would be extended so i could work on my thesis this semester (since i have already given up my job). that would mean i'll be writing a lot and probably i'd blog more than usual. ;)

alinsangan

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
alinsangan
Apr 30, '08 2:47 PM

di ko na matagalan
lagkit ng katawan
dala ng hanging maalinsangan

ilang beses mang ulitin
ang pagligo ng matulin
hindi pa rin ako patutulugin

sa aking pagtanaw
mula sa bintanang sumisingaw
bumungad ang babalang bukas ula'y aapaw

pano'y talamak
makakapal na ulap
hudyat ng pagpungay ng dalawang talukap

summer

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
summer
Apr 5, '08 5:25 PM

the scorching

heat of the sun

made my skin

scream "SUNSCREEN!".

It was noon,

my umbrella's in doom.

it cannot shield me

from the skindeep

heat

as i hurriedly walk the street.

if-ah-kiss you where it hurts, will you feel bitter, bitter, will you feel anything at all?

from Blog ni Ley
if-ah-kiss you where it hurts, will you feel bitter, bitter, will you feel anything at all?
Thursday April 03rd 2008, 4:47 pm

"Hay salamat sa Diyos, haluy ku ng hinahalat ang apud mu. Nuarin mu aku iimbitaran
na magdiyan?" (Thank God, I’ve been waiting for your call. When are you gonna invite me over?) — That was Nanay’s (my grandmother) opening spiel when I called her yesterday. It was a little hard responding in Bicol in Tagalog accent "Ahm, hehehehe, ano po, dae man po matutuloy ta nagkaproblema po ay" (Uhm, hehe, it will not gonna push through because there was a probem). "Bakin, anung problima?" (Why, what’s the problem?). I need a little white lie again "Dae po kaya na-credit ang saro kong subject" (One of my subjects was not credited). "Anung sabjek baga itu.?" (What subject is it?) Oops, I didn’t expect she would ask. "IT 100 po." It’s true that it wasn’t credited but I already wrote the Vice Chancellor last year. "Sabi ni Angkul Gener mu, ito daw na thesis. Anu baga itu?" (Your Uncle Gener said it was the thesis. What is it?) Tumpak. That was the real reason why I will not be gaduating this semester or this year. I really wanted to graduate this academic year for one, I don’t wanna write the Vice Chancellor again for MRR approval. And for another, it’s the University’s Centennial, come on, I’m pretty sure that this year’s University graduation is going to be so special.



Sigh.


I’m thinking, if I chose to not accept the job I have now and just focus on my thesis at the start of this semester, would I be marching this April? I promised my grandmother that I’m going to march this April. She said she wanted to attend the graduation but I didn’t know that she’d really look forward to it. How many times did she send me money for my tuition fee? Thinking about that, it makes me feel really awful. I’ve been in the university for so long that this huge campus shrunk to be my small tambayan. My batch mates are now working. Some have finished their master’s degree already. And some are starting their own family. Whew. Not to mention - I’m getting old!


Not being able to get what you wanted makes you wanna scream so loud until your throat tightens so hard that it could not allow the air to pass through it. I do want to graduate. But I think I’m more afraid of what comes after the graduation – the real world and GREATER EXPECTATIONS from the people that you don’t want to let down. And I never wanted anybody to expect much from me because I never want to let anybody down. It pressures me. It uninspires me. It makes me want to just stop.


And so here I am, stuck in the space between failure and success. I’m just a step away from graduating in college. All I need is to finish the thesis that I started three years ago. Only that it was not approved last semester so I had to start from the scratch again. What has happened? Well, I guess it’s just a little drawback from taking a course that’s not even my inclination.


But now I’m beginning to see why fate has taken me to the doorsteps of the School of Library and Information Studies (then the Institute of Library and Information Science) few Junes back (I mean years back!). I have this insatiable thirst for information. I think I really belong here. So, bitterness aside, I wanted to greet all the graduates of 2008 a CongraDulations, Mabuhay ka kabataang Pinoy! Be brave to stay hungry and foolish! (“Stay hungry. Stay Foolish” - Steve Jobs, CEO, chairman and co-founder of Apple Inc.) Let the world see how great we Filipinos are. And to Nanayski – magraduate din po ako, don’t worry. soon!

she died lying on my breast (i saw her last draw of breath)

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
she died lying on my breast (i saw her last draw of breath)
Mar 2, '08 5:46 AM

twice my life was spared,
my two kittens paid
the price.
oh, demise.
why should they be sacrifised
when i should be the one crusified?

yes, i saw death coming
he was staring hard at me
his eager eyes are flashing
towards my direction.
he almost caught me

suppose i...

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
suppose i...
Feb 26, '08 5:33 PM

moving on is such a struggle for a sentimental person like me. but what if i was able to move on, and then suddenly the past surfaced again and the happy part of the past starts occurring again? should i give it another chance for maybe it could make me happier or should i turn away from it because it might lead to another disaster as it had before? i dunno why i entertained it again. shouldn't we move forward and try to become happier each passing day? shouldnt we leave the past behind? suppose i turn away from it now, would that make me happier? i know only i can answer these questions...i desperately wish i could.

when it rain, it purrrs

from vanethleigh.multiply.com
when it rain, it purrrs
Jan 30, '08 3:34 PM

two poor pussy kitties found dead

made my sad day a mourn day

but what can i do?

this cruel world loves making me suffer :(

hey you, here's what really happened

hey you, here's what really happened
Jan 26, '08 10:56 AM
for vaneth leigh's network

"you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
beneath the sheet of paper lies my truth
i have to go, i have to go"

grasping for breath after climbing down two flights of stairs, i paused and paced myself. like a cat, i sashayed silently down the last steps with my hands sliding the freshly varnished wooden banister. some noise from the kitchen caught my attention. i saw your mom looking at my direction, pointing me to you.

quickly i spun around and started rushing upstairs. i had a hard time pushing against the cool wind up but i had to try with all the strength left with me. alas, i wasn't fast enough. you then stood in front of me. 'i'm trapped!', i said to myself.

tired and exhausted, i sat down at the foot of the bed, still facing you, barely moving. i sat there staring at your face, waiting for the first word to come out of your mouth as you lean back on a wooden cabinet.

suddenly, i realized i was wearing your pyjamas and we're in your room. it was really embarrassing, i can no longer look at you then so i just looked down. then you started talking. i was amazed that we're both thinking the same thing. we really needed to talk. after all those years, the years we wasted not talking, it seems that we quite missed a great deal of things.

leaning down the bed sideways as my feet were still touching the floor, i uttered my first words. when my head reached the bed i looked at you again and noticed that you were wearing pyjamas too. i then started saying the things that i've been meaning to tell you.

you then crawled towards the bed, finding a spot behind me while you surprised me with what you were saying, things that i never thought you would say. thank God you finally said them.

then your voice gradually faded away. darn, i was trying hard to go back to sleep. i wanna hear the rest of it. but i can't and and darn it's 9am! i have a breakfast meeting with pammy. i tried to ring her number but i only got 'the number you dialed is not yet assigned' voice prompt. so i turned on the pc to chikka (ad! :P) her only to find you online. oh great! you know the rest of the story.

stupidity 101

from Blog ni Ley
stupidity 101
Sunday December 23rd 2007, 3:21 pm

missed all the great things the last days of 2007 had had to offer, i couldnt care less. so many important things i’ve been attending to, so little time i have. so far, i think i’m doing quite alright. i’ve met new people, widening my so bounded horizon. for the past days, i’ve been spending time with this set of new acquaintances. they’re fun to be with. i wish it stayed that way.

friday night, the night i so wish to undo some things at. it kept on haunting my disoriented and traumatized being. two nightmares passed, i couldnt bear it anymore so im gonna write about it. very embarrassing that act of stupidity i must admit. but im no longer ashamed of it. yes, i can be stupid sometimes (or maybe a little bit more than sometimes) but i think it wasnt stupid at all.

i may seem suspicious at times but i’ve always had a very trusting soul. i always give the benefit of the doubt to everyone (with so little exception) and i always pray that they are what they seem to be. if being trustful the same thing as being stupid, then i cannot deny that i am (or had been) stupid. i so want to elaborate, with some details like the place and the time and the events that transpired, but
i just cant. the details that i could only supply were very subjective.

human instinct can be a hundred percent accurate, or a little less (or way way less) but nevertheless we must take heed upon. i dunno why i went against that instinct. it was such a moronic (go UP morons!) act when i was so aware that it’s a trap that i’m getting into but still didnt draw myself out of it. such a foolish moth that took some chance with the flame. i was just an inch away from a sure death. it could’ve
been worse. the thing is, it wasnt only my life i put in peril but of another innocent soul. if something worse happened, i would never forgive myself.

such traumatic incident could last a lifetime to a very fragile spirit but i hope she and i would recover very soon. we escaped the danger but it’s not guaranteed that we’re safe now. maybe it’s just a prelude to a tragedy, but i pray the contrary.

i’m struggling hard to get back to my optimistic self. that happy, positive and grateful me days ago which was caused by that accidental enlightenment weeks ago. maybe this is just a test. i must surpass this. i know i can. how i pray i would.

would you ever cry if i die?

from Blog ni Ley
would you ever cry if i die?
Tuesday September 04th 2007, 4:19 am

life

is so short

as they say.

oh yeah, so why waste

time on mourning

on a

lost love?

why not

enjoy life?

see the beauty

on everything around.

live life and

try to

love again.

when death is the only solution

from Blog ni Ley
when death is the only solution
Tuesday September 04th 2007, 4:18 am

when life
suddenly
seems to
halt
and
one cant find
a
reason
to
live

time
is
frozen

dreams
are
forgotten

inspiration
is
nowhere to be found

cant
move on

not
one
reason
to
go on

where is faith when one needed it most?
where is hope?
where is strength?

Powerless
what a word to describe
someone who’s lost in space and time?

unaware
of whereever she’s standing

clueless
on where she’s headed

too frail to stand and walk

too weak to face failure

too eager to give up

only
a
miracle
can
save
her
from
this
misery

successful cloud seeding?

from Blog ni Ley
successful cloud seeding?
Saturday July 28th 2007, 7:24 am

For the past two days, i’d seen/heard alarming news about drought in the northern Luzon and the inverted weather pattern our country has been experiencing. And for the past days, i’ve been experiencing weird physical (for lack of words) troubles which might’ve been brought about by this weird weather that we have now.

Weird phenomenon because for one, i’m not in the sickly type of person. And most of my close acquaintances couldnt believe that i can get sick too. Second, it’s reccurring. Never had i been sick that often. And oh, it’s not about that break-up. Emotionally, i think i’m kinda strong. I’m getting over it. I really am (fingers crossed). It was also my choice. I gotta admit i’ve been hurt badly by it coz if i had a choice, i wouldnt allow it to happen, but i hadnt. And i’m not blaming it for all the troubles that struck me. It might’ve contributed but i am more raging at the weird weather that has been bugging me for weeks now.

I have several responsibilities to attend to and i fail at some because physically, i’m not capable (yeah, felt like a handicap). And really, even i coudnt believe how often i had been not feeling physically well. I wanna do more. I dont want to miss any class and deadline and tupad too. And this weather is a big distraction to me. It makes me unproductive.

There you go again, it was blazing hot this morning and then, lo and behold–it rained this afternoon, and it really poured. Imagine how wet i got commuting from the tutorial center to my aunt’s, which made me a little dizzy up to now. The cloud seeding they did was quite successful. I just hope the rain also reached the cracking soils of northern Luzon farms.

And why am i blaming the weird weather? It’s just one of the effects of global warming. And i should admit that i also contribute to global warming. And that had just reminded me of the approaching Envi Sci exam. Waaaaahhhh. I need a break. Oh i just had, didnt i? Another waaaah. I should end this nonesense now. I just wanna write again. And i hope i can write better and just do that more often rather than waste my time moping around, thinking about all the things i should do.

finally, i woke up

from BLog ni Ley
finally, i woke up
Thursday July 12th 2007, 10:34 am

six months ago, i never thought that i would fall into a deep sleep. this sleep made me dream a very long dream that seemed so endless. so endless that i don’t know when i would finally wake up, or ever thought of it even. it was totally a pleasant dream, but there were times when it almost became a nightmare. those were the times when i really wanna wake up but i couldn’t because i felt there’s something holding me back. maybe the thought of the happy moments in the dream (there were even blissful moments) made me hope for more of it, and so it held me back.

i was so trapped in that dream but suddenly, thank God, i woke up. i thought I’m gonna regret falling asleep but i didn’t. i don’t regret dreaming at all. i don’t regret having those experiences for the first time, of meeting him, though it was just a dream, it felt so real. and every action, reaction, words, feelings, emotions, practically everything i put in are real. they were real. and i did hope everything i was getting were real too. i wasn’t sure then but i think i did get them somehow.

and now that I’m awake, I’m still afraid to open my eyes. i could feel the shafts of lights trying to get through the thin cover of my eyes but I’m still afraid they would hurt my eyes so I’m keeping my eyes closed. it may take me days, or weeks, or months to open these eyes but at least now, I’m out of the dream. i floated and sunk in that dream, i dunno if that will happen in real life too. i wanted to see that myself so i hope i can open my eyes very soon.

meanwhile, i will try to adapt to the real world, though gradual as i can afford. i’ll stop trying, i’ll start doing things. yes, i’m still afraid to grow up. but i cant always be childish. i’m not peter pan. i cant stay out of reality forever. although i could still dream, but this time, i will try to wake up when i needed to. there are real people around me who accept me the way i am, and who had been there and are always there ready to help me out on this long journey. and i usually ignore them. i guess it’s time for me to return some favors.

I’m not sure of the destination of this journey but at least i now know where i wanted to go. i always wanted to end up there so i do pray that i wont go astray again. i also pray that on my way there, i would leave pleasant marks. i used to be so afraid of leaving unpleasant marks, but i always do. now, though i so wanted to erase those marks, i know i couldn’t. the only thing i can do is to continue walking. there were times when we wish for a fresh start. but that’s another illusion. i always love saying "i want to start anew" to myself but i always end up nowhere. so this time, I’m gonna continue walking. but I’m gonna make sure I’m gonna leave pleasant marks on my way to where I’m headed. i said previously that i wouldn’t look back but i think it’s healthy to look back once in a while and see how much you progressed. but i would look ahead more this time. that is if I’m able to open my eyes soon enough.

the journey to a thousand mile begins by taking the first step

from Blog ni Ley
the journey to a thousand mile begins by taking the first step
Tuesday July 03rd 2007, 10:42 pm

i think i’m happy today because (1) i finally found my cats, (2) things
are slowly falling into their proper places, and (3) i think somehow,
i’m growing up.

when i was younger, i never wanna grow up. i don’t wanna be like those adults who can’t see the simple things that makes up life coz they’re so blinded by the complicated matters. wealth, fame, power–what are those for? well, i don’t wanna lose that innocence (in the other sense of the phrase :P). i don’t wanna care about the things around me and rather live in my own world where i am always free to do whatever i want. no problems. no responsibilities. no complications.

ironically, i didn’t notice how complicated i made life for myself. i did grow old but i didn’t really grew up. looking back, i could’ve done things the way it should be (as prescribed by the natural laws) not the way i wanted it to (as if i really had a good set of choices). but no looking back for me now because somehow, i learned the true sense of the word "acceptance". and i think it’s one of the most important lessons i learned in life. people love and lose and win and struggle and sometimes almost die. but staring at our own frustrations can only make things worse or make life seem unappealing to live that we don’t wanna even take the first step to that journey to a thousand mile.

as i am now turning another page of the book called my life’s journey, i wish for more improvement in all the aspects of my life. in other words, i’m now ready to grow up…finally.

UP–University of Patience

from Blog ni Ley
UP–University of Patience
Sunday June 17th 2007, 6:21 pm

the sun’s high up in the sky, t’was two thirty on my watch. i just found the end of the queue and pretended hard not to feel the the warmth of the human cluster around me nor calculate the length of the queue and how much time should i spend standing there.

the air was thick and humid. sweats on my pores wanna slide out. i was so thirsty. and i felt im gonna faint anytime. never had i been in such a queue. this would be my last semester so i thought, a little more patience woudnt hurt.

i’m always patient, i’ve always been. as they say, patience is a virtue. but we all have our limits. thirty minutes passed and the line moved quite faster than i thought. i’m almost at the middle of the queue..now quite dizzy and even more thirsty. the girl in front of me somehow eased the boredom for we talked as we stood patiently. and somehow the two guys after me brought us a little entertainment. they were loud and really entertaining. many of their friends attempted to buy the space between me and the guy after me but they wont let them. good guys.

another thirty minutes passed, the line moved a few steps. the temperature rose even high as i was losing my patience. that time i was so covered with sweats and was really really thirsty as i was looking around and spotted some people guzzling their bottles of thirst quenchers. the queue grew longer.

more students fan themselves to cool down. most are lucky with a friend or two beside them to speak with and kill the time with. some are even lucky for they are with their parents (maybe freshies ^^). and i was lucky enough that after an hour and thirty minutes of standing, a manong sorbetero came by. my knight in shining armor haha my thirst was somehow was finally quenched by his sorbetes.

i estimated the time i will be standing. we progressed so little in one hour! i’m getting impatient. my feet were numb. i felt so sticky and filthy, i was thinking of getting a shower. and yes it was my second day(.) i really felt so uncomfortable.

finally, we reached the door of the bank. the two girls before me were so anxious to get in when another girl from out of nowhere asked the guard if she could come in, she just need to ask something from someone inside the cashier’s office. so the guard let her in. but then, instead of proceeding to the bank to do what she told the guard she would, she stood in front of the two girls preceding me.

of course, we are all getting impatient for we've been standing for almost two hours! one of the girls preceding me wasn't able to control herself. she bombarded the girl with "parinig" as we approached the cashier’s window. and the girl right next to me seconded. and the funny guy following me in the line laughed at us coz i was so tempted to join the two worked up girls. just imagine, the girl who made palusot was able to pay even without even falling in line! tell me, is patience still a virtue?

procrastinating

from Blog ni Ley
procrastinating
Thursday June 14th 2007, 7:13 am

as much as i wanted to read the books scattered on my floor, as much as i wanted to write articles worth reading or blogs or songs or poems, as much as i wanted to empty my soiled clothes hamper, as much as i wanted to tidy up my oh so messy room, as much as i wanted to take out my brushes and paint, as much as i wanted to bathe my 4 cats and 3 kittens, as much as i wanted to complete my rotten thesis, and as much as i wanted to start my last semester in the uni right, there is this strong force that keeps me from doing everything that i’ve been pining to do. somebody said that you can’t really find time for anything unless you make time for it.

i guess he’s so right. maybe im just procrastinating too much. maybe i should distance myself a bit from the unnecessary things occupying me at the moment and go back to my contemplating mode. i might realize more things and it might promt me to start doing what i’m supposed to do..it might, yes i might end up doing the right thing, that is if i really will it and stop procrastinating. sigh.

a beautiful elegy

from Blog ni Ley
a beautiful elegy
Tuesday May 22nd 2007, 5:15 am

four years ago, my creative writing professor, Heasley, introduced us this elegy written by W.H. Auden called the Funeral Blues. i wonder when i can write one as good as this.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden

bitter than ever

from Blog ni Ley
bitter than ever
Tuesday May 15th 2007, 5:20 pm

spent most of my days chasing happiness

but more often than not, i bump into sadness.

tried playing it cool, forcing a smile like a fool

just so they wouldnt see my teary eyes aweful

coz they often thought that the cheerful

sweet gurl they always knew

will never turn blue,

they just had no clue.

bubble bursts easily

from Blog ni Ley
bubble bursts easily
Thursday May 10th 2007, 5:07 am

happiness (for lack of words) is such an enigma. the moment it hit you, you’ll feel like a bubble blissfully floating in the air (however polluted that air may be). you’ll wonder when the feeling will end but at the same time wish it wouldnt. pop! just when you least expect it, the happiness will burst like a bubble. it bursts on your face and you feel so helpless not being able to do anything to save the bubble from bursting. now you become frustrated. suddenly, other emotions will wrap you. then, you’ll be looking out for another bubble to come your way. but it will take another unexpected turn, maybe a miracle, to find happiness again.

too high

from Blog ni Ley
too high
Monday May 07th 2007, 3:14 pm

for the first time in months, i felt really, really (for lack of terms)happy. i only had two hours of sleep last night. and today, i never slept but i still am very much alive and bouncing! it must really be the coffee. i stayed away from it as much as i could for i know i get addicted to it quite easily and what goes next (after several mugs i mean) is much expected (or quite unexpected). hmmm, seems i never learned my lesson.

Summer again

from Blog ni Ley
Summer again
Thursday April 12th 2007, 2:32 pm

just got back from the province. the vacation was too short but somehow i was able to unwind. now, my dilemma is if im gonna finish my remaining units so i’d graduate this summer or should i rest, find a temporary job and work my thesis out at the same time. hmmm. i’d rather choose the former but fate seems to favor the latter. argghh. im so confused.

the reason i went back to my ole town is that i might bump into some ole friends and maybe i’ll find my ole self in them because realized i lost it somtime last year. i’ve been trying to find it for quite a long time but to no avail. well, did i finally find it? not sure. maybe a little bit of it. but not the whole thing. i think people i’ve recently seen found me quite odd (or peculiar for i’ve been acting like a fool.) i did miss them but i miss my ole self more so they might find me selfish or unfriendly or simply peculiar. im so desperate to find it because it has a character i need to be able to survive my current crazy situation.

i’ve been contemplating a lot about my life recently. and reality frustrates me so much i wanted to give up. i might sound really selfish (so selfish it is i dont give a damn) but i really want to demand so much from this world for i feel so deprived of a lot of things. there are times when we think we deserve more than what we get. but looking closer at the situation, we might realize that we indeed deserve what we’ve got.

it’s really crazy thinking about life, relationships, and matters like friendship (which i further complicate because of reading the Nicomachean ethics’ book about friendship, that’s books 8 and 9). now, i’ve been sorting my friends based on the intention like those based on utility, on pleasure and pure goodness. i found most of my friendships were (and are) based on utility. user-friendly as they say (im referring to the kind of friendship not the people for i know people have reasons why they do so).

i myself is guilty of that friendship based on utility. for even happiness (which is what i constantly long for) can become a good itself (i mean commodity) whenever i demand my friends to bring me some.but there are also friendships based on virtue which i can be proud of. they are the ones that lasted longer than the others and demanded less. and what the heck am i talking about? i just love making things complicated. hey, it’s summertime. i should relax and just enjoy the heat of the sun. toi toi toi

More (mushy) Questions

from Blog ni Ley
More (mushy) Questions
Tuesday March 06th 2007, 6:00 am

How far will you go

On a romantic love?

Would you

Only give a part of your self

Or give

Even more than what you can?

Is it a folly or charity

When you love

So much

And give your all

Without expecting anything back at all?

Why can’t we

Live without loving

Someone?

Is pain

Really a part of this

And hurting your loved one

A sign of deeper

Love?

If honesty

Is an essential part of love

Then why

Trust is often betrayed?

You know how much I trust you

So why then are you

Explaining so hard

As if I

Wouldn’t believe a word

You’re saying?

Does honesty

Includes saying everything we feel

Or shouldn’t we just keep everything real?

Do you really love me

Or is it just my imagination

That made me think you do?

Was I wrong

In making it easy for you

And that I never

Set a rule or two?

Should I

Put the limitations now

Or is it too late?

Is this just a game to you?

Why don’t you tell me now

So I can play it better

And

Wouldn’t feel

Devastated

Should this game

Be over.

Anymore Questions?

from Blog ni Ley
Anymore Questions?
Saturday February 10th 2007, 4:49 am

Who are you really? Aren’t you the stranger

I bumped into somewhere

in the cyberspace? Was it a month ago

or just weeks ago?

Then why can’t i stop my

mind on wondering why

you didn’t call today nor reply

to the sms i just sent

you? Isn’t it odd that you easily earned

my trust that i’ve started sharing you my secrets?

Am i really that crazy that i’ve ever let

someone i never met

into my soo private

world that even

my family could not evade?

What is it in you that caught my interest?

How did you ever made

me so vulnerable? Have you ever realized

what is it that

you’re getting into?

Why is it that i’ve so

many questions when i know

that very few will be answered?

Shouldn’t i stop this fantasy

while i’m still bounded

by my sanity

Or should i just let things be

and just see

where this little pearl would wanna be?

confession

from Blog ni Ley
confession
Sunday March 12th 2006, 5:56 am

in as much as i wanted to forget you,

memories keep on coming back.

i can’t help myself .

thoughts of yesterday keep on flashing.

suddenly, i felt empty.

i broke down.

i know, i just missed you.

what if i spoke with you

when our friends left us alone

the night of my graduation?

and we became friends again?

maybe i’d come to know you better.

maybe now i won’t be this bitter.

maybe i won’t long for something

that i know would never be possible.

"can we be friends again?",

i wanted to ask you.

but i don’t want to be JUST your friend.

would you understand

if i tell you that?

it’s really hard on my part to say this:

you mean so much to me.

and i mean that.

now, you probably have guessed what i’m trying to say.

clutch

from Blog ni Ley
clutch
Saturday March 04th 2006, 11:37 pm

it’s not because i had just lost my clutch bag last friday afternoon that i made it the title of this entry, it’s because i hold onto things too tightly. i mean, i realized how i can become too sentimental that i attach myself too much not just to people but to things as well. my bestfriend had noticed that years ago and she had warned me. she’s right, it’s too painful losing something that has become part of you. but the thing is i didn’t mean to lose it. nobody would want to lose something that is so important to him. before, i was wondering how it is to lose something. now i know how terrible the feeling is. and i don’t like it. before, i can’t understand them, why’d they lost their precious possessions. i would even scold the person who would come to me just to share that he’d lost something. i would say that he has just been utterly irresponsible that’s why it happened. if he had just been watchful…but hey, i should tell it to myself now. i often find myself oblivious but never had i lost more valuable things than umbrella and handkerchief. sigh. the clutch bag contains most of my valuable possessions. but i should be thankful that i was able to save my cellular phone and wallet (contains my IDs, form 5, etc). i hadn’t found yet the lesson i must learn from this, aside from one, to be even more watchful, especially when i’m on a public place. i don’t even want to go out now. hhhaaaayyy. charge to experience? maybe, when i finally get over it. but now, it still bothers me. when will i learn to let go? both on things and persons that’re maybe not meant for me.

windang

from Blog ni Ley
windang
Monday February 06th 2006, 1:08 am

windang

walang maisip

walang magawa

maraming gagawin

naktunganga

natataranta

windang

when push comes to shove

from Blog ni Ley
when push comes to shove
Thursday February 02nd 2006, 11:20 pm

stop

take a deep breath

and think

now

let’s find blue’s clues

du bist meine liebling

from Blog ni Ley
du bist meine liebling
Tuesday January 31st 2006, 9:35 pm

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

heart still beat the same pace for him after parting ways few years back. how can’t i move on? how can’t i not choose who to love? i don’t even know if he did love me. all i know is that i still love him. if he chanced upon this entry, this is what i wanted him to know:

IF thou must love me, let it be for naught

Except for love’s sake only. Do not say,

‘I love her for her smile—her look—her way

Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought

That falls in well with mine, and certes brought

A sense of pleasant ease on such a day’—

For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may

Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,

May be unwrought so. Neither love me for

Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry:

A creature might forget to weep, who bore

Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!

But love me for love’s sake, that evermore

Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.

*thanks to Elizabeth Barret Browning, i need not write another sappy poem just to utter my heart’s sentiments

epmty

from Blog ni Ley
epmty
Wednesday January 18th 2006, 9:57 am
[trying to prove the theory that we only read the first last letters of a word]

smoeitmes we hvae ntohing good to say to ohters

wrods stcuk in our muoths

cna’t get the tognue movnig

cna’t thnik srtaihgt

mnid wnadeirng

unknwon plcae

daefneing raelm

nwhoere to go

ntohing insdie

jsut a peice i cna’t mnaage to hdie

wish list

from Blog ni Ley
wish list
Monday January 16th 2006, 2:38 pm
[LOL this is how i came up with Lei-D)

welcome 2006!

i really dont believe that we need special occasions to improve ourselves. it doesnt take a new year to start a new journey. but then i just wanna reiterate the traits i wanna improve.

Lei-t : i dunno how i’m gonna dispose my being a habitual late comer but i need to

Lei-z : i dunno how i will be able to push myself to move about more than just lying on bed

p-Lei-ful : there are things that i should take seriously but still i dont give a damn care on…argh

Ma-Lei : body malaise loves attacking me these days…need to lead a healthy lifestyle

i still have so much in mind but i guess i’ll put them into writing next year. i need to deal with the first four first.

searches

from Blog ni Ley
searches
Sunday December 11th 2005, 1:29 am

i thought i was able to plan it right

i was flabbergasted

schedules fine but can’t find a time

for leisures and other pleasures

for this semester is a term of researches

thesis and other term papers

hope i ‘d survive!

rant #2

h

ayyy
Tuesday October 04th 2005, 8:32 am

what a hell month! or should i say, semester.

just finished my website project. .for my group in LIS 64

http://ilocos64index.bravehost.com

it’s a rushed work,

had not much time to make it neat,

but it’s working thank God!

two days more and i’m taking my last four exams!

and so it’s all over

Thank God

i can rest peacefully

bless me

completely disoriented

from Blog ni Ley
completely disoriented
Friday July 29th 2005, 8:50 pm

o;dfk./,asd/k asD"PKL

sdo’lf,[;ol

sdo;fl,/l.sjk[f;a

[;kl,mil/akj.sfmdg[;io

/lksgfo;/jklmas

‘;kl/aksdo[f’A}+w’[igk mef

ad’gk;[p’pasd [’okl;f,g

a’dpsfgkl;,a

kasibutan

kasibutan
Friday July 29th 2005, 7:15 am
[my first attempt to write poem in Bicol language]

sa tahaw

kan kasibutang dai matawadan

igwang sarong agam-agam

an nagpapahaloy sa urolayan.


sarong agam-agam na garo sarong gamgam na

nakakurong

sa sarong lalag-ang gwardiyado,

mayong lulusotan

mayong pasisiringan

mayo ding uulian.


maray pang maglakaw-lakaw

sa palikaw-likaw na dalan

maski mayong aram sa pasisiringan.


maray pang mag-urolay ning bulyawan

na mayong hinanakitan

kaysa sa masinsinan

na iwal lang a pauulian.


maray pa nganing magpahinay-hinay

sa paglakaw

kun an pasisiringan

ay karahayan.

kapit-tuko

from Blog ni Ley
kapit-tuko
Wednesday July 20th 2005, 6:40 am
(i think i wrote this when i was so pissed off with gma)

isang kahanga-hangang pagmamalasakit ng isang
butihing ina
sa isang bandehadong mga pusang kalye na
nagkakalat ng lagim
sa lansangan,
isang umagang maulan,
nang wala man lamang ideya kung ano nga ba ang kanilang ipinaglalaban.
maaring may punto
ang mga pusang ito
kung bakit tuluyan nilang inalisan
ng karapatan
ang inang
sa kanila’y nagdulot ng sakit,
sabi’y nagmamalasakit
subalit
bakit
iginigiit
ang kanyang hindi man lang pinagnilay-nilayan na desisyon.
hindi man lang ipinagpaalam
sa mga pusang kalye
na ang gatas na kanilang ikinabubuhay
ay tuluyan nang ibinigay
sa mga asong naglalaway.
sa mga asong mas nakaririwasa sa buhay.
ang masakit pa dito
biglang natuklasan ng mga aso
na ang gatas palang kanilang hinahanap-hanap
ay nanganganib na mabawi ng mga pusang kalye
kaya’t dali-dali nilang nilapitan
ang inang dakila’t matapang,
at pinakiusapan
na kanilang tataasan
ang kabayaran
kung lahat ng gatas ay siguradong
mapapasakanila lamang.
ang ina, na nasilaw sa kinang
ng gintong upuan
ay agad
na pumayag.
papano ngayon ang mga pusang kalye
na walang humpay ang pagkalam
ng kanilang sikmurang walang laman.
aba ginang
nawa’y kahabagan
ang iyong mga abang pusa
na hinihika na
sa iyong pag-aaruga.
nawa’y lisanin
ang tronong inaangkin
at muling pakanin
mga pusang hikain.

benign

from Blog ni Ley
benign
Monday July 04th 2005, 6:49 am

leaves lightly falls on the pathway

though it’s not yet autumn but they

are too anxious to get away

i remember

we only have two seasons here

so even in july

some leaves leave their

branch,

oh autumn

the favorite season of the loner

tinker

from Blog ni Lei
tinker
Tuesday June 28th 2005, 9:39 pm

it’s funny how i, after more than two decades of existence, still can’t figure out how to adapt at certain things. i know change is inevitable but i still find it hard to adjust, just as quick as quicksand sinks, whenever it comes. maybe because i made myself a static world that is unyielding to its environs. or maybe i’m just really a selfish b*tch who doesn’t know the meaning of the word acceptance..

true, if i could only accept things, then i guess i could move on.

in this world, there are too many things to ponder about. but most things that bother me are things that doesn’t bother any normal human being under normal conditions and circumstances. (am i an abnormal?) i love making things more complicated…senseless… dull.

it makes me sad.

things like death still makes me sad. death that has been a nightmare to me in my childhood days…death that drastically became a desire on the darkest days in my adolescence and later on became a concept that i’m comfortable with…but still it makes me sad, especially if it happened to another being who had been a part of my life. for i never like the feeling of losing someone, the feeling of being left out…maybe it’s just because i really still have to learn how to accept things..that things are bound to change..or leave.

rants

from Blog ni Ley
busy days aren’t over
Monday June 20th 2005, 4:12 am

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmpppppppppp
got two oral reports this week!
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
gggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
two-inch-thick readings!
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
got eight subjects this semester!
ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
what more can i ask for?

sunday blues

from Blog ni Ley
sunday blues
Sunday June 05th 2005, 3:12 am

how can’t i understand

after so many years of existence

the meaning of socialization?

how can i be the oil

over the cold water?

how can i be the blood

on a white linen?

how could i be so selfish

thinking not of their emotions too?

how could i feel alone

amidst my so many so-called friends?

how could i be so foolish

thinking i belong

when i really am not?

how can’t i not cry

when i get hurt?

how can i easily get hurt

when i know they don’t mean to hurt me?

how can i be so stupid

learning not how to fit in?

how can i still be alive

when things that can’t adapt to its environment perish?

how can i be thinking things

i ought not to?

how could i be such a fool?

enigma

from Blog ni Ley
yey this may
Tuesday May 24th 2005, 8:00 am

had i expected it to come

then it wouldn’t

had i expected it not

then it would

that’s always the principle

behind the undefinable

and enigmatic force

we all long for

should i have to name it?

then this will turn acrid

but what i want to say

is that i just found it this may

pop up pinky poppy

from Blog ni Ley
pop up pinky poppy
Wednesday April 13th 2005, 12:00 am

monday, i got sick
stayed in bed
let the days go ahead

i thought it was
a simple lbm
so tuesday came

wednesday shocked me
still high in fever
when this pink poppy popped up

cheeky pinky poxy pop
never had a chicken pox
til this morning when one popped

pop goes one
then another pop
pop, pop, pop


til my whole body popped
prick don’t prick
but it just burst by itself

it hurts
itchy, funny, prickly
i dont know how to feel
my head aches still

had to enroll this thursday
for summer class
but i guess i’ll let it pass

two weeks in bed
two weeks in my room
what the heck would i do?

i read as much as i can
as i could tolerate the heat of the sun
but my head keeps achin as the pinky pox’s poppin

could use some cream
but i cant reach my back
where many of them popped and stayed

then they dried up

as a normal wound would
they become even more itchy

poor me
poor vacation
poor summer

never been sick like this before
and never would i wanted to again
ever

low low down below

from Blog ni Ley
low low down below
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 10:14 pm

blowin’ freely

amidst the field so eerie

nothin’ will make it easy

because standin’ next to me

shakin’ continuously

is the god of all glee

that now has gone crazy

and nothin’ will make him sane

nor make things just the same

tigang

from Blog ni Ley
tigang
Wednesday April 06th 2005, 3:21 am

alinsangan

di mapigilan

nadadarang ang bawat patak

kaya nga lahat ay bitak-bitak

nanunuyo

di masuyo

nabubuyo ang bawat sikat

kaya nga lahat ay nilalagnat

dinidiliryo

di mabuyo

pagod

from Blog ni Ley
pagod
Monday March 21st 2005, 2:32 am

isang mahabang paglalakbay

sa ligaya at lumbay

minsa’y humahapay

subalit tuloy pa rin ang buhay

malaya man sa mga bangungot

at malalim na lungkot

tuloy pa rin ang pag-ikot

ng buhay kong binalot

ng hapis at lungkot

hibang

from Blog ni Ley
hibang
Thursday March 10th 2005, 6:51 am

ako’y naguguluhan

nagugulumihanan

ayaw ko nang masaktan

pero patuloy pa ring nahihibang

ayan na naman sya

di pa ba nya nahahalata

na sa tuwing siya’y aking nakikita

pakiramdam ko’y sumasama

natatahimik ako

nabibingi sa dagundong ng puso ko

halos hirap sa paghinga

nabubulol sa pagsalita

pinagpapawisan

natitigilan

sa mainit na singaw

unti-unting natutunaw

nagpupumiglas ang pusong baliw

nagsusumigaw-"dinggin o giliw!"

lihim kitang tinatanaw

para bagang isang talang tanglaw

kailan mo kaya mababatid

ang ibig kong ipahiwatig?

hehehe, that isn’t a poem. take a look at it. no metaphors. nothing but rhythmic rhymes at the end of each line. but it is the poetic sound of my heart. probably transpired from the tightly sealed emotion i discovered sometime when i sat beside someone who always makes me feel so irritatingly nervous.

don't fall

from this point onwards, i will be posting what i have written on my other blogs to consolidate them.

from Blog ni Ley (http://leivillania.blog.friendster.com/2005/03/)
title: wla lng
date written: Wednesday March 09th 2005, 5:30 am

it’s just something

so amazing

that brought me this evening

to this kind of thinking

i’ve been resisting

since i saw him coming

but i was too damn fool

to let myself fall

without control

that just now i had a call

and not from him at all

i feel so small

i feel like i would stumble