As i write, i pray that he'd chance upon this, and then realize that i did care for him, and still do. I was too young then and often confused love for anger or other undesirable emotions i knew not of before. i was naive and blind to see how much he means to me then. Too busy dreaming of the future and too foolish to fancy that i will find that someone, somewhere, someday as most fairy tales would promise a young princess, denying myself the thought that it might be him. Some years passed but i found no one—though i did meet those men i fancy but whom i closed my door at because, finally, it dawned on me that deep within me i knew i already found that someone, somewhere, sometime ago.
He was just right under my nose but i missed the faint scent of love that was present then. Now, i doubt if it will ever come back again or if i'll ever find him again and pick up from where we'd left off.
Mushy as all these sound, but this is how i really feel in my core. The longing grows each passing moment. Oblivious of time, i feel stuck in the last though brief encounter we had. I can't forget how his eyes caught mine, and held them as if reading my soul. How it captured me that i thought those seconds were forever. I felt stark naked, unable to hide anything from him. The scenes that followed were as if stolen from a movie when the runaway bride was finally able to walk the isle with steady steps until a camera flash broke her eye contact with the groom that the bride, as if awaken from a dream, suddenly spun swiftly and was about to run away again—the exact thing i was about to do as the crowd closed in on us as we're to approach each other and lost the connection. My discomfort and hesitation probably sent him the wrong message that when he's finally facing me inches away, an iron wall suddenly fell between us. I didn't look into his deep eyes again, afraid he'd read my secrets—afraid that i might give in to my feelings.
Looking back now, i curse myself for letting him give up on me. I knew he was trying to reach out for the last time but i didn't give him a chance. I wore that mask that i so hated now. Why did i let him slip away?
He might forever occupy the largest part of my heart but i'm so eager now to know, be assured that that he also felt that connection i've been talking about. Be assured that i was totally wrong for letting him go without telling him how i feel for him.
I wanna reach out to him however my pride would not allow it but I really miss him now. Beyond lust and sexual desires, i'm so delirious to speak with him again. I ached to feel that connection we had once more. I would wanna hear again him chuckle on his corny jokes he'd pop even on serious conversations. I wanted to see again his dark big eyes sparkle whenever they meet mine. I wanna linger again beside him and smell his sweet innocent scent. I would want to have again that connection I thought there was.
