i didnt understand it the first time she wrote it. i was complaining about her handing down her phone to my brother (again!). it should be my turn now since i let 2 phones pass my hands. she wrote: do you realize that you are much better off your brother? i then complained more, trying to prove her wrong. then she reiterated:
mama: kaya nga ang tanong ko sa iyo, gusto mo ba ay candy o chocolate?
Lei: none
mama: akala mo nasa isang tabi ka lang?
Lei: tsaka anong sinasabi nyong mas swerte ako?
Lei: pucha, who decided na ayaw nya na mag-aral?
mama: i wanted to surprise you with a digital camera because alam ko matutuwa ka doon kaysa sa cellphone.
mama: pero hindi ka marunong mag-antay. am saving several hundred dollars for you
mama: at hindi iyon second hand BRAND NEW!
mama: sumama ang loob ko when daisy accused me of favoritism
Lei: because that's what they see
mama: i do not deserve such a treatment when i did everything to keep my family
mama: what they see o what they think they see?
mama: they do not see the real picture
Lei: they dont?
mama: well, do you?
mama: do you see yourself into the picture?or you look from the outside?
Lei: i try to look from the outside because that's how im gonna see the whole picture
mama: pero hindi ka kasama sa nasa loob. nasa labas ka pa rin
mama: because what is wrong with you is you are consumed by your anger and jealousy
Lei: i dunno why i never felt i belong since i was a kid
Lei: jealousy? di mo ba naaalala dati lagi ako nagpaparaya? tao lang ako, natututo rn mainggit
good thing Markkie left the cafe earlier. i wasnt able to hold those tears back anymore. the conversation went deeper. she confessed she also felt the same thing with my aunt (daisy) as they were growing up for my granny always took my aunt's side. but mom never complained.
yes, im old enough to understand. but i don't know why i dont want to. i still prefer to take the role of the family's black sheep. maybe im just afraid they'd expect high on me. after copy-pasting the conversation above, i realized how disrespectful i've become of my parents. embarrasing. too much liberty did me no good. but i think it did a little good on one side. i dunno. im so confused. i still keep on insisting to myself that i dont miss her. that mom here in the country with us and mom working abroad makes no difference at all. i still get my dose of nags from time to time. but what i dont realize is that why do i bother so much to get her attention in the first place?
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