drive

i had three cups of coffee yesterday. that might be the reason why i was up all night watching movies. or maybe not. i cannot understand why i kept on going on circles. i thought i was ok. things went fine the previous weeks. i've been sleeping before midnight (that's an improvement considering that i've been sleeping at 6am for months), started doing my TM and yoga again, interacting with friends and acquaintances more. but then last week, i went down with it again. i dunno which is better, me functioning as how i am supposed to (i.e. doing house chores, studying well, keeping all my promises and doing all my other obligations) or me on my pensive-reflective-hermit mode (where i usually unintentionally drop everything, even my obligation in church just to give way to it). i dunno what i'm looking for. i'm always unsure of myself. i've been trying so hard placing myself in this world..wasting so much time figuring out my purpose in life. well, yeah, i really cant forget that night when i asked my mom the same question i kept asking myself for years now--why am i here? aside from living my life, is there any other purpose should i serve for? (not the exact words of course) i was around 5 then and mom didnt answer it. i got it as though i asked a stupid question. my mom never had time for rubbish things so i thouhgt it must be something really not worth answering. years later, i realized that it is such a hard question to answer. the older i get, the harder it is for me to find an answer to it. i tried to put it off, live a simple and routinary life. but i simply am not into routines. i love variations..quite a lot.

i've been watching various films lately, hoping to draw inspiration from it. i just watch film on that purpose. dont get me wrong, i love watching films (especially the ones that give me goose bumps--not exactly thrillers coz i'm not into that type of films--but those that give me something..a lesson maybe or hope or anything that will make me keep going on with my life) especially in cinemas but i dont often do it coz i'm afraid i might get addicted to it..so i always stay away from the dvds at home. going back, i've been dropping a lot of important things lately. i feel so static again. i lost my drive for the nth time. i feel that i reached an end..that my life stops here..but i dont wanna believe that. i wanna believe that i just fell on a muddy puddle and i will be able to get up again, stand and clean myself and move on with the journey. i cant remember exactly how many films i had seen since yesterday when i was supposed to be studying for a completion exam tomorrow. but then i dont regret anything at all. somehow, the last 2 movies i've seen was quite successful on getting me back on my feet. i just hope that i wound totally find my way back into myself again in no time. and when i do, i hope i would stay driven for a longer time. i still wanna move on, grow up and keep on walking til i reach my destination.